Tuesday, July 28, 2009

Therapy of an 8 Day Trip Back Home.....


first night home...

hugged my kids who met me in the driveway before I ever made it into the house...

listened to their hundreds of stories...(the good ones THEY wanted to tell)...

unpacked two full suitcases of clothes and started washing them...

went to get on my computer and it was NOT working...

*k, so my kids were NOT to TOUCH the computer while I was gone but no one knows who did... hmmmmm, unplugged it all, got it back up and running....
listened to Randy yell at the kids (the yelling started because no one would admit they were on the computer). I was actually proud of him because he wasn't so passive about it as he has been in the past. He was yelling at them that they were lucky I even came back home at all. After him having to deal with them for a little over a week he now understands more of why I needed to get away.

Now, that may sound pretty harsh, but the point was finally made to Randy AND to the kids that what I deal with on a daily basis is so much more than anyone could realize unless you walk in my shoes *three or four days away is not long enough to make anyone understand that. It's not just the four kids, or that two are teens and one is a pre-teen. It's not that one of the teens is ADD with some mild social autism issues we deal with daily mostly directed at me (the one he loves most, his therapist says). It's not that one of our children is sicker than most realize because I stay so positive about it that people don't know the full spectrum of what I deal with. It's not the "hey mom?" 400 times a day I hear or the phone calls I receive when I just leave to run to the grocery store by myself... It's not the lack of affection in this home because everyone is so consumed with their own lives and trying to make sure THEY are heard... It's not the daily task of running the house, keeping everyone clean and clothed, fed and healthy, it's not the financial piece of me paying all the bills and balancing the banking accounts... I can't even list more of the "tasks" that are completed by me on a daily basis in addition to all of my charity and advocacy work I do. *which is what is considered my job as well as my passion, the one thing I truly ENJOY doing!


EIGHT days.... they all handled it for eight days and for the most part kept it together, but now, it all kicks back in and I go back and pick up the slack where it was left behind.


So, when you ask me how I could get Randy to agree to "LET" me take 8 days away and go to Texas by myself?..... I truly didn't give him much of a choice.


How could I "choose" a convertible when a cheaper car would have served the same purpose?.... I truly WANTED to enjoy that feeling of freedom just for a small moment....


How could I be away from my children for 8 days?.... I am still out on that one, I missed them terribly, but I am hoping that it will give me back a little bit of the patience that I seem to have been lacking lately.


I regret nothing and feel no guilt about this trip. Honestly, if I knew YOU well enough... and knew the shoes YOU walk in daily.... if I knew YOUR shoes were as worn as mine, I would recommend you do the same thing.


Step away....... gain perspective..... try to gather strength and peace to come back fully charged again. Mid life crisis? probably not, I am not going to go buy a beach house or a convertible...... but I had the most amazing time! I was caring for ME for the first time in a LONG time. Selfish? maybe.... but after years of caring for so many others in my life (not just family, but friends included) someone needed to care for ME, I miss being truly cared for and life has severely taken that away (as I am sure it has for many of us).... I am admitting a weakness here *something not easy for me to do so this note is somewhat therapeutic.


Mostly what I learned while I was gone is that I am so terribly sad about not being near the ones I love outside of my immediate family. I miss my friends and my family that are still in Texas and I miss Texas itself. You often hear people say "It's a Texas thang, you wouldn't understand...." how very true that is.


Though not born there, I moved there when I was 2 and it was all I knew until I started moving away for relationship reasons. My dreams have always been to move back "home" so when I come to visit, it is extremely hard to leave...


So now......Life goes on, Pammie comes back into play here in Tennessee for now and KC, MO later, whenever... at whatever time THE COMPANY says it's time to go *again, out of my control..... but my heart and my soul will always be right where it needs to be and every chance I get will be spent back in Texas.


There truly is no place like home, and Texas will always be my home.